How to get the most out of SMV4K
This message is for both new and long time SMV4K members. I really care about all of you and I want you to get the most out of your participation in SMV4K. More importantly, I want you to achieve your best romantic goals, to be happily married and to raise some wonderful children. This post is a message from my heart to you.
It's not a magic cure.
Joining SMV4K is not a guarantee of success in your quest to improve yourself and find your ideal spouse. It's merely a step in the right direction. To get the full value out of our group you need to participate actively and become a part of the community.
It's important to have grand dreams of a wonderful future that awaits us as we achieve our goals and meet our potential. However we must be sure that we don't just dream about our future, but that we make it happen.
You need to “set your mind to it”. You need to fully commit to your dream. You need to focus on it. We live in a world where commitment is viewed as a suckers game. We can see the tragic results of people who fail to become what they need to be simply because they got distracted by other things.
In this game only the most committed wins.
Dreams and nightmares are the seeds of epic potential and deep motivation. They orentate us on the path of life. By meditating on our subconscious desires we can motivate ourselves to move away from literal nightmares and towards the realization of our dreams.
What do you really want out of life? What do you want to avoid? What does the small, still voice in the back of your mind ask for? If you can't hear it, then you need to create the conditions for your inner needs to manifest themselves. Meditation, journaling and talking with trusted friends or advisors can help us to uncover our inner most desires.
Dream big. Dream about what conditions would fill your heart with love and contentment. Humans don't live very long. What do you want to achieve in a short life that will take the sting out of death? How do you want to be remembered? What impact do you want to make?
...and set clear goals.
Your dreams can come true but good things don't happen by accident. They do happen to people who create and foster the right conditions for them. Its obvious that you won't have a career unless you actively pursue one. Is it any wonder that you will not find a mate unless you invest time and effort looking?
You need to be actively putting yourself into social positions where others looking for a spouse can find you. In our highly dysfunctional sexual market it's not a straightforward mission. First you need to ask yourself some deep, orentating questions.
Who am I looking for? (Use the Spouse Persona sheets to clarify your thoughts.)
Am I able to attract and keep a mate that I'd want? If not, where do I need to improve?
How much time and effort am I willing to invest into this life changing project?
Dreams are about the final destination, but goals are about the journey there. You need to have a realistic timeline from the start of your journey until marriage (and possibly include children in the timeline, or add them later). You need to have some goals that you can be achieving regularly, perhaps daily.
Goals are not just “things we want to accomplish”. They are far more complex and to attain them we need to include:
Action plans: Specific series of actions we will accomplish at certain times. For example: I will got to the gym every Monday at 18h00. Once there we should be following a progressive strength training plan.
Systems: We are a part of something greater than ourselves. We exist within complex systems, which are made up of smaller systems that overlap and interweave to make everything possible. We inherit or adopt some systems and we can create our own systems around us. This can be a very complex topic however its application can be very simple.
For example we need systems to keep us “accountable” to reaching our goals. That might take the form of writing our goals down, sharing them with trusted associates who can remind us when we fail to follow through, and setting up rewards (or punishments) for successfully completing tasks.
Processes: We need to make a lot of critical decisions every day. Processes help to streamline decision making. We can create a process for almost any task.
For example, we need a process to quickly identify poor dating choices when exposed to many possible mates. We might have a checklist that we go over in our mind. Blue hair? No. Age is appropriate? Yes. etc. If the person ticks off the right markers we may proceed to contact them. The process helps us to make better decisions more quickly.
Metrics: We need some way to measure the smaller successes that are leading us towards greater goals. For example, (directed to men) how many times in the last month have you been rejected by women that approximate your ideal mate? If the answer is 0 then you are not risking yourself enough. You will need to get rejected several times to find a women who likes you back. If the answer is 30 then maybe you need to set your sites a bit higher, improve your SMV or get better at asking.
A word of caution on metrics. It's easy to adjust our actions to meet our metrics without actually moving forward towards our goals. We need some outside objective vision to ensure that we are correctly applying measurements to our actions.
Everything constantly changes. Our needs and options change with time and as we improve our SMV. This is why we need to regularly, perhaps monthly examine our plan and goals to ascertain where they need to be adjusted.
As you pursue your goals you will follow some dead ends, “waste” some time and money, maybe even get your heart hurt. Things don't always go according to plan. Remembering your dreams and that this effort is a vital part of reaching them is important to keeping yourself motivated. Following dead ends is not a waste of time IF you learn something from them and it takes you closer to your ultimate goal.
Success requires lots small steps, taken every day.
The larger the dream. The more complex and father away the goal. The easier it is to let things slip. Procrastination in following long term romantic goals is very easy. It might be happening right now without you even noticing.
You need to be moving towards your dream dailly in ways that you can observe. This will build in you confidence and hope that you can create the life that you want.
Each week take one of your bigger goals and break it down into tasks that can be accomplished each day. Set aside time and schedule one small task per day. Do them all week. Now stop and reflect on your progress. Was it as expected? What could be improved for next time? Now, start the cycle again. Over time this process will help you to develop the systems and habits that you need to be successful at anything you set your mind to.
Everyone needs social support to achieve their goals.
Humans are social creatures. Some of us less so than others, however we all do well to avoid isolation. When pursuing a goal as grand as marriage and children it's especially important to have the support of allies and advisors who can help us to avoid wasting time, energy and resources pursuing dead ends or procrastinating.
Friends that keep hold you accountable and give you the hard advice that you really need are not easy to find. They normalize your struggle. They provide feedback on your thoughts.
Maximize your success by joining a group with a shared goal of marriage (call it a wolf pack or anything else, the name isn't important). Find happily married friends who want to see you happily married. Meet up regularly. Don't leave it to chance. Be a social leader and organize events if necessary.
While you are making new friends don't forget to eliminate any toxic relationships that you have. That will free up time and energy to pursue more worthwhile things.
Join the SMV4K group chats. Participate in the Facebook group. If you need more chats please let me know and I will schedule them. If you cut yourself off from our help you cant expect to make progress.
Be very public about your romantic goals. Do the people in your life who care about you know what you want out of life? They can't help you unless you communicate with them.
Coaching can help you to surpass what you can achieve on your own.
Finally. If you are still struggling to make progress or even to create a plan, get a relationship coach. A coach can provide you with valuable feedback, keep you on track to meet your goals, and help you through difficult decisions.
Even if you are doing very well in your search for a mate, a coach can help you to develop yourself to levels that you simply couldn't on your own. A great coach brings out the best in you.
Remember “light bulb” jokes? My favorite was, “How many shrinks does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the light bulb must want to change.” It’s true: Unless or until a person decides to commit to change wholeheartedly, no coach can help move him or her one-millimeter off the dime.
Worse yet is the fact that, unlike light bulbs that lack the capacity for self-deception, humans bamboozle themselves all the time. Whether it’s a smoking cessation program or working with a coach to improve management skills, people claim they want to change or drop dysfunctional behaviors from their lives, but then fight like Ninja warriors to defend them. Worst of all, irrespective of how intelligent or professionally powerful a person is, it is a virtual certainty that after embarking on a change process, they will be partially or fully derailed by the feeling, “Better the devil I know than the devil I don’t know.” - Harvard Business Review - https://hbr.org/2013/08/get-the-most-out-of-executive
I highly suggest you follow the link above and read the post in the HBR before hiring a coach.
You will get out of coaching exactly what you put into it, to get the best results you will need to:
Know what you really want and commit to it: And if you don't know what you want, be clear about that. A good coach can help you to clarify your thoughts. Once you have discovered what you want, commit to it fully for the duration of the coaching.
Be humble, open, honest and transparent: Humility is needed to be open and accept help. You will need to be honest about your level of efforts, weaknesses and strengths, etc. Offer information rather than make your coach dig it out. Give your coach a heads up about what issues you are facing before each session so that they can give you the maximum value during your time with them.
Have the courage to explore new ideas and perspectives: A coach is going to make you push outside of your boundaries. You should be uncomfortable and a little anxious. Outside of your comfort zone is where growth and opportunity reside. If your current methods were enough you would have already achieved all your goals.
Act (just DO IT): After every session there should be some actionable takeaways. If it's not clear what they are ask. You will need to do something before the next session or have some idea of what's preventing you from acting. Take notes (journaling) about your progress and prepare for each coaching session with the challenges that you want to cover.
Maintain the effort: Making a major change in life isnt easy or quick. We live in a world of instant gratification and it's easy to get impatient with ourselves and give up on coaching. Generally, we will make progress in bursts. Lots of small victories and seemingly slow progress will build up until we make a big breakthrough. Don't give up easily.
Don't deceive yourself, it's not easy to be coached. It's going to be a big effort for both you and the coach. Hes getting paid for it so that can be a partial motivation. You need to find out what motivates you to stick with your end of the deal (cryptic hint: Keep your dream in front of you and your nightmare behind you.)
I offer coaching services via SMV4K, just upgrade to the $100/month level and you will receive 2 sessions per month, which is optimum for most people. If you need something else just ask me.
You will get out of SMV4K more than what you put into it. Our group can act like a powerful amplifier, increasing your ability to achieve your romantic goals. Still, its up to you to put in the effort and to take the time to reap the rewards.
My dear friends. We are the future. My children and your children will be the ones to carry on after we are gone. It's my deepest, heartfelt desire that you all attain happiness and the future that you dream of.