Build Your Dating Pipeline [Activity]
Finding your ideal spouse doesn't just happen. It takes time, effort, resources, and an effective plan. Without specific goals, a carefully thought out plan, a sound strategy and regular reflection on your progress the tendency is to repeat the same painful mistakes over and over again.
Going from existing as a single person, usually with no immediate dating prospects to being part of a loving, happily married couple may seem like a monumental task. Seeing the enormity of it all may discourage you from even starting. You are not alone. Millions of men and women are facing the same challenges.
To have success at any complex task we need to regularly employ good habits. Over time these positive habits build virtuous cycles and success becomes ever easier and more secure. Breaking down large habits into micro processes that we can employ each day gives us a constant feed of success from which to drive motivation. You should be taking a step towards the future you want every single day.
Whether you are a man or a woman looking to date and get married you need a plan. Your plan must provide you with multiple opportunities each year to meet someone who fits your romantic expectations. Your plan must include some daily habits and simple steps that keep you moving in that direction. The best plans are flexible and can be iteratively improved until you reach your goals. A major part of an effective plan is your Dating Pipeline.
Some background on the pipeline concept
In sales, we have a concept called the Customer Pipeline (or Customer Funnel). The objective is to create a process that ensures a steady supply of new customers matching our business’ ability to grow. Potential customers are attracted to notice your brand and filtered by suitability, educated about your offer, and finally persuaded to make a commitment to buy.
The sales pipeline is a powerful business tool that enables us to make the best use of our marketing resources while achieving our sales goals. You can't plan on making sales and you can't have a sustainable business without a functioning pipeline.
Once a scalable pipeline is developed, a business can simply add more inputs (time and money) to increases sales. For example: with X amount of time + Y amount of resources (money), you will get one sale worth Z. You can have a very valuable business provided that you have a scalable business model and you are profiting more from each sale than it costs you to get and keep a client.
Why a Dating Pipeline?
When dating, you face a similar challenge to a business looking for a customer with a unique profile in an endless sea of undifferentiated strangers. You need to:
- Attract the attention of potential mates with specific qualifications by showing them your best side. Dress well, look healthy and fit, demonstrate an attractive or interesting skill, offer a quick fix to solve an immediate problem, etc. You want to break the ice and leave a fantastic impression on your potential date and their friends.
- Build value and trust by over-delivering on anything you promise. You want them to be thinking “Wow! Every time he messages me, I feel amazing! He knows exactly what to say!” “She really knows how to treat a man, I feel like my best self around her.” You need to be consistent. Keep your appointments, don't be late, always give your best to the relationship, and keep your promises. Go the extra mile; do more than you promised.
- Educate them about you and why their life would be better with you as a permanent part of it. Learn about them at the same time. The best way to educate someone is through action. Don't tell him you are a great cook; show him. Don't ask her to tell you what she wants to do on a date; deduce it from deep conversations with her. Don't talk about your fitness, skills, attitudes, values etc.; demonstrate them by living a life consistent with the person you claim to be.
- Close the deal by persuading them to get married.
- Keep them delighted (the part most divorcees fail at). In marketing, we want each customer to become a “fan boy” for our product by making them really, really happy, consistently over time. We do this because dedicated fans promote us and keep coming back for more! This translates into continuing to build the romance and growth in a relationship. Keep your mate satisfied with your “brand” and they will stick with you through the good times and the bad times.
By employing some of the same proven strategies used by every successful business and modifying them to the Sexual Marketplace, you can ensure that you will achieve your relationship goals.
An ideal pipeline should lead you to meet a potential mate, with mutual attraction, 2 to 4 times a year. Less than that and you have either set your expectations too high or your pipeline is broken. More than that and you have set your expectations too low. You should be engaged to get married within 1 to 2 years of constructing your pipeline.
How to Develop a Dating Pipeline
- Develop the right mentality.
- Clearly identify your offer and how you will “market” (present) yourself.
- Create a "Spouse Persona”.
- Identify where you could come into contact with such a person.
- Develop a plan to put yourself in their sphere.
- Test out your pipeline and evaluate the results, modify if necessary.
- Choose a mate and get married.
Develop the right mentality.
Doing nothing is easy. Why do the hard work to have a romantic relationship? Why take the risk? The struggle to achieve your relationship goals will be anxiety provoking. Why bother? That is a question that you have to answer personally. Develop motivation by visualizing and regularly meditating on both your ideal future and a future you don't want to end up in. Don't be vague and foggy, be very specific. Not setting specific goals is a terrible way to avoid failure because without goals you are guaranteeing failure.
Once you get your motivation sorted out, once you have a place you are going, and once you are committed to do the hard work, it's time to figure out how to do it.
For men, this means taking a very proactive approach. You are literally “wife hunting”. You need to view it as a major part of your weekly activities, just like exercise, shopping, cleaning your house, etc. You need to take complete personal responsibility for success or failure in the hunt and direct your resources and self-development accordingly. Hunting is always more successful and enjoyable when you do it with a small team of other men. Join up with other men looking for wives and pool your thoughts and resources to achieve maximum effectiveness.
Don't expect 100% success, especially at first. A very successful marketing campaign created by a team of experts gets about a 20% opt-in rate. (Usually, opt-in equals “the client gives you their email”, the relationship equivalent is getting a date). Of the 20% who who opt-in only about 5% become clients (are marriage material). You will need a high tolerance for rejection so that you don't get your heart broken on your first negative experience.
For women, this means maximizing your attractiveness to the right men and putting yourself into spaces where good men can find you. As discussed in previous posts, aesthetics matter. Your appearance is the first thing other people notice and the main way you will get men into your dating pipeline. Of course, good looks are not enough to get a good man to marry you. Develop and demonstrate your practical skills and healthy emotional qualities such as empathy, gratitude, and your ability to be a great mother.
Also, don't be a degenerate. As a woman in the western world YOU are in control of sex, both when it happens and who it happens with. Unless you are repulsive you can have sex any time you want. Don't settle for low SMV, r/selected men. Be hypergamous. Know your value understand your power and don't abuse it or you will squander your SMV.
As a woman your SMV is time sensitive. The younger you are the higher your value in the dating game. Don't wait until you are 25 years old to start looking for a mate. Start early and you will get a far better man than if you wait.
Clearly identify your offer and how you will “market” yourself.
Use the self assessment sheet attached to this post and identify your strengths and how you will market yourself. Who are you? What do you have to offer a mate? How will you present yourself to potential mates? How will you dress? How will you act? Writing down who you think you are can be very enlightening. Get the opinion of someone who knows you. Are you accurately evaluating yourself? Do you need to make any major improvements?
Create a "Spouse Persona”.
What would your ideal spouse look like? Use the worksheet attached to this post. Fill it out. That's your spouse persona. That's the type of person you are looking for. Remember, like attracts like and your future spouse will be found in the company of people like him or her.
Are you the type of person that your ideal spouse persona would be interested in for dating and marriage? What about you is specifically attractive or unattractive to that type of person? Can you improve yourself to meet your spouse persona’s needs? What would that change look like and how long would it take? Is the change that you are contemplating healthy and sustainable for you? Will it make you a person you feel comfortable with? Answering these questions requires a high level of self knowledge. You need to be honest with yourself.
The details of your spouse persona are an educated guess. As you develop and refine your pipeline, you will also refine the persona. Don't expect to get everything right on the first, second or even third try. Persistence and incremental improvement is key.
You could make two or three spouse personas and follow up on each group. This can be an effective strategy if you have the time to invest searching for each one.
"Creating your Spouse Persona is THE most important action you can take to set you on course to dating, marriage and relationship happiness. For best results, start it today." - Noah J Revoy
Using the “Spouse Persona Worksheet”
Download the sheet and fill it out.
- Name the persona (Supermodel, K-Alpha, Traditional woman, Outdoors man, etc.)
- This can be anything you feel is descriptive.
- Fill out each section of the three columns, Ideal, Acceptable, Not-Acceptable.
- Make educated guesses about what such a person does, their hobbies, and where you can find them. If possible, ask people who would be their peers to help you.
Get the Spouse_Persona_Worksheet.pdf by joining us and supporting this community. Just sign up as a Patron and the worksheet will be visible after this post. Please private message me if you can't access it for some reason.
Identify where you could come into contact with such a person.
Make a list of potential locations. Where do these people gather, both online and offline? Specifically, where do they gather near to you? Brainstorm with friends who are also looking for a mate, join or request a group chat here at SMV4K.com, hire a Relationship Coach, research on Google and the look on Meetup.com. Write it all down and sort it out in the next stage.
Pick out only the most promising opportunities at first. Add them to your plan below.
Develop a plan to put yourself in their sphere.
Can you put yourself into those spaces where your spouse persona and their friends are likely to be found? What do you need to do differently to get into physical proximity to these people or to enter their social space? Do you only need to make small changes or is this going to be a major effort? Is it realistic that you will be able to meet your spouse persona? Adjust your plan as needed.
Put your plan into action. You need to spend about ten hours a week socializing and searching if you want to get results in two years. That's only 1000 total hours invested over two years. Stop wasting your time on vices (TV, video games, etc.) and get outside of your house and into public places two or three times a week.
Cold approaching people is a skill that takes time to develop and is beyond the scope of this post. Start by approaching same-sex members of your target group. Make friends first, then look for romantic relationships.
You may not always enjoy being in these new locations. They may stretch your social muscles or you might feel uncomfortable (see: It's Time To Become Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable). Some discomfort is a part of the process. You must choose a location to find a spouse based not on what you like to do, but on what they like to do. It's about them, not you.
Most people want a partner who enjoys all the same things that they do. However, while there SHOULD be some overlap in your interests, there is no need to enjoy sharing all of your activities. Female and male interests are sufficiently diverse that there will always be some divergence in the activities that they chose.
Test out your pipeline and evaluate the results, modify if necessary.
Now it's time to test out your pipeline. Try a 30-day experiment. Are you able to physically get into the right spaces? Are you meeting the right kind of people there? Are you able to approach them and gain acceptance? Do you need to lower your standards or to improve yourself? Is your self evaluation accurate? Is your spouse persona realistic?
If you are not meeting the right people, adjust your spouse persona, your action plan, or the way you are implementing it. This is not an easy task and sometimes it helps to have a neutral opinion. If you are struggling with this, get a Relationship Coach. Here at SMV4K.com, we can help you to find a great coach- just ask in the comments or by private message.
Once the pipeline is working, choose a mate, get married.
Almost immediately, you should be meeting people that are similar to your spouse persona. Every three months or so, you should be meeting someone who a) meets your definition of an ideal spouse, b) you find attractive, and c) finds you attractive. If your pipeline is reliably bringing you into contact with great people, you don't need to go for the first person you meet. Take your time and make a sound decision. Get to know your potential spouse, their family, and friends and let them get to know you.
For men: YOU NEED TO DO THE ASKING. You are going to have to take the initiative during the whole relationship, that's your job as the man. If you don't have the courage and assertiveness to ask a woman out and brave the possibility of rejection then you are not yet ready for a relationship. Get help from friends or a Relationship Coach if you can't yet take the initiative. It's an issue that can be quickly fixed in most cases.
For women: Drop hints. Be open to the right men. Talk to the women in your social group about what you want (e.g. assertive man who does the asking). Let people know you are interested in marrying and having children. Be patient.Most modern men are used to being beaten down, punished for being assertive, and told to let women be in charge. Sometimes it takes a while for a man to realize what you want and act on it.
Don't date for years on end. As soon as you know that you have the right person, accelerate the actual marriage process. Get it done! Have a simple wedding and do it now: Start having kids within two years so as to ensure that your are at your most fertile part of your life. Enjoy marriage and parenting. You earned it!
What if the part of the world where I live there is no one that matches my spouse persona? Should I move? How do I find a location with better opportunities?
The concentrations of people that match your spouse persona are not evenly distributed geographically. Changing your location can certainly help, however, that's a VERY HIGH investment move and should not be a first option. Even behind enemy lines, in the worst hole of scum, villainy, and degeneracy, you will find a few good people. They are usually gathered all together somewhere, perhaps secretly. That’s where you need to be.
Before moving permanently, use your vacation time to try out new locations. Use the internet to research and find a location and go there (preferably with a few single friends). Scope out the opportunities, but make any long term decisions when you are comfortably back home. There are low cost ways to broaden your pool of potential mates and dates. Stay at a cheap AirBnB for a month, for example.
If you decide to move, do your due diligence and make sure you are not just exchanging one problem for another. Will you be accepted in your new community? Are there really potential mates (for you) there? Do you need to move or could you just visit first? Get some good advice before making such a big change.
The people I'm meeting are not compatible with my interests (no good men / good women there), what do I do?
Look elsewhere. Stop going to the places that are not working, don't waste time on them. Check your spouse persona again. Are you really looking where these people can be found?
People like to spend time around people who are like them. If the places you are looking are full of degenerates and r-selected rabbits, then it will push out the K-selected people. You need to look elsewhere, be methodical in your search, develop a network of like minded people to help you find leads.
You may not like this, but if you are consistently getting a certain response from multiple people, it is probably you who's the problem, not the market. Evaluate yourself and see if your offer (your SMV) is realistic for the type of person you are seeking to date. Get help to evaluate yourself if necessary. Whatever you do, Sort Yourself Out Bucko!
“When I was in college, I couldn't understand why I dated nine girls and all of them were ‘crazy’ until I realized I was self-selecting crazy people because that’s what my traumatized brain looks for. I literally have to go against my natural instinct for ‘attractiveness’ because my brain is hardwired to look for people who are broken in similar ways to myself.” - T.S.
My life is full of commitments and I don't really have time to follow this plan. Is there a way to do this without investing so much time?
To find a mate, you will either have to invest time or money. You can invest less time if you are willing to invest more money, or vice-versa. There is no low investment, short-cut solution.
If finding a mate is important to you, create more time by simplifying your life. Cut out all vices and time-wasters, get a Relationship Coach to ensure that you are not following dead ends or ineffective strategies, only do the essential things in life and don't take on any big projects until you are married. If this is important to you, then you will focus on it. If you lack focus you need to work on getting yourself motivated.
What people choose to spend their time on tells you a lot about what their priorities are. If I say the most important goal in my life is to get married and have children, but I spend all my time on other things (be it video games, education, job, hobbies, etc), then clearly getting married isn't that important to me and perhaps people like that are not actually ready for a relationship. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who treats everything else in their life as more important than their partner/family.
Not all of you are going to have objections, however, for those that do I have written some rather raw responses.
This doesn't seem natural. It seems far too contrived, like I'm forcing it.
You are right, this isn't natural. Ideally, you would have grown up in a small community with several potential mates, chosen one in your late teens, married and had several children by now. Being old and alone isn't natural either. We have long abandoned what is natural, but perhaps we can recreate it for our children. Now all that is left is what works and what doesn't, and this will work. If you have a better method, please share it with us.
Is it natural when women dress nicely and wear makeup to attract men? Why is it not natural for men to use the things women find attractive to attract them? We all need to do what works.
You are overthinking it. Just be yourself and everything will work out fine. One day you will just meet the right person and it will happen. You don't need to put in this much effort.
Ok, how’s that working out for you? If you are here, then you obviously are looking for a better way to date. Relying on blind luck to find your ideal mate will ensure that you marry down and end up disappointed with your choice. Marriage is serious business and you need to take it just as seriously.
You need to be the best version of yourself, not just to find a mate, but to keep one. Relentless self-improvement is hard work; it's also the only way to grow into a fully mature and wonderful person who qualifies for a top quality mate.
You are putting people in a box. Not all men/women are like that.
No, I’m not. I’m putting them into a Dating Pipeline, which is designed to help you identify and meet some of the 5% of people out of all the other people on this planet who are uniquely what you are looking for. You create the pipeline, other people choose to enter it.
This advice isn't for everyone. It's for rational, K-selected, red-pilled people who want to get married and have children. Of course, not everyone is the same, thus, the whole point is to choose a mate that fits into a specific category as defined by your spouse persona.
This is one method of looking for a spouse. It is even effective for finding new friends and growing your social circles. It's not the only method and you should refine it for your needs. It's not easy to implement and I don't think most people can do it on their own. If you are struggling or feel overwhelmed, get help from friends, family, or even a professional Relationship Coach.
Don't put off developing your Dating Pipeline. Download the worksheets and start filling them out today. Every step you take puts you one step closer to your goal.
Your feedback and support is essential in developing and influencing the direction of SMV4K.com. Was this post helpful? Do you have a question that wasn't answered? Was something unclear? Would you like me to expand on something? Do you disagree with something I said? Please let me know below.
The Dating Pipeline could be renamed as the “Relationship Pipeline”. The same process that can help you find your ideal spouse can also help you to find compatible friends. In fact, while searching for your future spouse you SHOULD be making friends and having fun. It may not always be the most comfortable thing in the world for you, especially if you are a less social, more intellectual person, however, with the right attitude you can learn to enjoy even the less comfortable parts of the process.