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Male vs Female Dating Strategies

Male vs Female Dating Strategies

In an ideal world we would have a very well organized sexual market consisting of social systems that promote K-selected behaviour and the formation of stable marriages. We don't live in the ideal, so we must work with what we have. Failure is not an option.

Whatever dating and courtship strategies that we use must take into account the lack of a structured sexual marketplace. We will need to build our own structure and demonstrate far more autonomy than was previously required. That can be exhausting if we don't have a good strategy to facilitate our search.

Sexual Market Gatekeepers

Women are far too agreeable to be reliable sexual market gatekeepers. An assertive man whos not totally repulsive can emotionally steam roll almost any unattached women into bed. The global increase in whorish behaviour is evidence of that.

Traditionally in western culture fathers and other male family members were the primary sexual market gatekeepers. They permitted only well vetted men from the ingroup to court their daughters. Interlopers got a beat down or worse. 

Mothers, grandmothers and other postmenopausal women played an important support role. They were the eyes and ears gathering and sharing information and advising the mature males on a man's reputation within the community.

Finally, young women got to choose from a selection of safe men. Basically whoever got them hot and bothered and made it past their father was probably a good choice.

The cause of the european caste system (which I mourn the loss of) was that some families were better than others at acting as sexual market gatekeepers for their children (including their sons). They were eugenically breeding, promoting only the best of the best. Eventually that created genetic/social stratification.

The question is what to do in the absence of a traditional social and sexual marketplace with clear rules and tough gatekeepers? What do we do when the fathers are weak, cucked or missing? How can we make good romantic choices in the absence of good familial and cultural protections?

In the absence of a well structured sexual market we must pursue new dating strategies. We must adapt to the suboptimal or face the consequences. You must create a specific strategy that works for you however there are some similarities that all successful strategies will share.

Note: Remember the goal is not to marry. Its relatively easy to get married, just lower your standards low enough until it happens, but that's not going to make anyone happy. The goal is to get happily married and produce well raised children. That requires a good match.

Why have two different strategies?

Men and women are different. They even need different things from their romantic relationships. Men need to be looked up to, relied upon and showered with affection by a woman that respects them and wants their children. Women want a man that will reliably provide them resources, security and even status while being a loving and mature emotional rock to her and their children.

These differences lead to different basic strategies in looking for a healthy and productive relationship. 

Female courtship strategy: Attraction

Factors driving this strategy:

  • Women tend to be very agreeable and more easily persuaded by assertive men, both good and bad.

  • Women have a short window of high SMV and fertility. 

  • For the sake of society women must be hypergamous which requires her to have options from which to choose. She must not get attached until she finds the best offer she can obtain.

  • Women rely on assertive men to take the initiative in proposing relationships.

  • There are lots of unacceptable men, it's all too easy for a woman to get attached to one and overlook his flaws and inability to commit to a healthy relationship.

  • Women are more physically and emotionally vulnerable than men. Having men come to them, on their territory, provides a layer of protection.

Therefore her strategy must include:

  • Creating a strong social support network. They need a mature man that is not a potential partner to ask advice from. Either their father/uncle/much older brother or a non-familiar substitute. They also need some other women who can help them to learn about potential mates and judge their reputation.

  • Creating a situation where many of the right kind of men are drawn to approach her in sufficient numbers (auto filtering out unsuitable mates).

  • She must be socially accessible to these men (go on lots of dates and other social events).

  • She will need to hear offers from multiple men before choosing “the one” to marry. (She needs options).

Male courtship strategy: King of the hill 

Factors driving this strategy:

  • Quality women have multiple men they can choose from, so it's almost always going to be a competitive effort full of challenges you must overcome (dragons to slay).

  • Your reputation is very important. If no one knows who you are it's going to be very challenging to convince a high value woman to accept your offer. Somehow you need to be “open” for examination.

  • Being assertive without being an asshole or scaring women can be very challenging and requires some focus and practice. Before you get one to say yes you will probably screw up the ask, maybe several times. 

  • Concentrating on a single woman rather than multiple potentials helps men to focus their romantic energies so as to push past resistance and close the deal (get the date/progress the relationship).

Therefore his strategy must include:

  • Men must have very clear ideals that they are looking for in a woman. This is especially true of assertive men who are capable of very quickly moving a relationship into marriage.

  • You must be building a reputation and letting other people know you are looking for a marriage and parenting partner. This sets you apart from the men who are only looking for sex without commitment.

  • Men must be very active in “hunting” for the right women.

  • Men should hunt in groups with other men to ensure that they are progressively improving their SMV and courtship skills. An additional benefit is that having other men around to compare ourselves with helps us to get a more realistic view of our value. Without some comparisons you are almost certainly going to overestimate other men and underestimate yourself, which is very discouraging. 

  • When you find a woman you want it's a game of “king of the hill”. You need to claim her, keep her and defend her from other men until she commits to you or you decide she's not ideal.

  • When you fail, and you will fail, you must learn from your mistakes and do it all over again, no matter how ego crushing it is. 

  • Take a break if you just got out of a major relationship. You need to rebuild your soul before you go back hunting again.

Developing your personal strategy

You will need to develop your personal strategy using this information. If you need help, ask some mature and reliable friends or hire a dating coach. What's important is that you are not just flailing around getting nowhere in your search.

Keep optimizing your strategy, making some small improvements over time. Share your knowledge of what works and what does not work. Help your single friends. Make close friendships with happily married people, preferably older ones. Learn relationship skills from them and incorporate it into your tool box. Keep growing in your relationship potential.

Never give up. Failure to find a quality mate and have wonderful children is not an option. 

Women and feminine assertiveness Part 1

Women and feminine assertiveness Part 1

Ladies in Waiting: What's in it for me? A woman’s perspective on chaste courtship. [Video]

Ladies in Waiting: What's in it for me? A woman’s perspective on chaste courtship. [Video]