A chaste courtship for K-selected people
We live in an age of conflicting messages on sex.
On one hand, women are encouraged to be “liberated;” to ride the cock carousel from puberty until they are in their mid thirties. News and entertainment propaganda advises women to “Sleep with 25 men before you marry”. College is seen as a time of sexual exploration where every depravity should be experimented with at least once.
Men too are encouraged to follow the example of PUAs (pick up artists) who spend their time “gaming” women into bed. Internet advertisements offer to teach you “that one trick that lets any man sleep with gorgeous women.” Monogamy is deemed a bad deal when you could be having sex with buxom, exotic beauties every weekend.
Yet, when men and women follow the pressure to be promiscuous, they often end up unmarriable, broken, sad, hollow, sick, imprisoned, or dead.
Men who have sex with women they are not in a committed relationship with run the risk of being charged with rape for what they believed were consensual encounters. This can happen years after the fact and destroy a man's reputation. It's gotten so bad that some men are obtaining written consent before engaging in sex.
Men and women are told to have as much sex as they can, and then punished for doing so.
Despite the r-selected, degenerate culture that is currently being promoted in the west, there are still some people who recognize the wisdom of abstinence before marriage and a chaste courtship.
By “chaste courtship,” I primarily mean courting without having sex before marrying. The closer you get to that ideal, the more benefits you will receive.
Benefits of a chaste courtship
1) A better marriage
According to this post from The Art of Manliness:
In another study, Dr. Dean Busby sought to find out the effect that sexual timing had on the health of a couple’s eventual marriage. He surveyed over 2,000 people who ranged in age from 19 to 71, had been married anywhere from 6 months to more than 20 years, and held a variety of religious beliefs (and no religious beliefs at all). The results were controlled for religiosity, income, education, race, and the length of relationship. What Busby found is that couples who delayed intimacy in a relationship enjoyed better long-term prospects and greater satisfaction in a variety of areas in their marriage. Those who waited until marriage to have sex reported the following benefits over those who had sex early on in the relationship:
Relationship stability was rated 22 percent higher
Relationship satisfaction was rated 20 percent higher
Sexual quality of the relationship was rated 15 percent better
Communication was rated 12 percent better
2) Develop important virtues (example: Patience)
Patience is an important virtue in marriage, and chaste courtship is one of the best ways for a young couple to get their practice in early. We don't always get what we want when we want it. By practicing waiting for marriage, we strengthen our ability to patiently deal with our spouse.
3) Avoid bonding with an incompatible partner
Sex releases oxytocin, a bonding and dopamine reward chemical. When couples have sex early on in the relationship, it distorts their judgment and creates premature bonding. It’s like they are “addicted” to physical intimacy with each other. This may cause them to avoid having a necessary critical look at their relationship or lead to bonding with an incompatible partner. The only possible outcome of this is heartbreak.
Fake news about sex
The r-selected, degenerate members of society will always try to justify their promiscuity using sophistic arguments and out-of-context anecdotal stories of supposed cases where people overcame the odds.
“If you don't have sex early on, how will you know if you are sexually compatible?”
Seriously? It's not like dicks are special keys that only fit in compatible locks. Any physically fit, healthy couple should be able to have great sex; it's how our bodies are designed. Yes, it can take some time to figure out what you and your partner like. Good news! You will have the rest of your life to do that once you're married.
“The mechanics of good sex are not particularly difficult or beyond the reach of most couples, but the emotions, the vulnerability, the meaning of sex and whether it brings couples closer together are much more complicated to figure out.” - Dr. Dean Busby
“This sounds like some sort of geeky religious nonsense!”
Not An Argument. This advice is valuable for both the religious and atheists. It works. (It works if what you are looking for is a long term, happy relationship.)
“Women are the gatekeepers of sex, so they need to be the ones to say no.”
Women have often been seen as the gatekeepers of sex. I too once believed this, however, it is contrary to history and feminine biology.
Women are, in general, far more agreeable than men, and will generally give in to anything if an assertive man they love (or lust for) asks for it. This isn't exactly a lack of agency. It’s a biological adaptation to reality. Disagreeable women make terrible mothers and horrible wives; they would have had low reproductive success.
Historically, men were the gatekeepers of sex. Fathers, uncles and older brothers would protect the honour of their younger female relatives. They would cock-block unsuitable men, with violent force if necessary.
Mothers, married sisters and aunts would assist by providing chaperones and mature advice, so that young women could spend time with young men who received the father’s approval.
In a way, family and community were the gatekeepers of sex. This was a natural result of the serious repercussions that could have come from premarital sex before cheap birth control was invented.
Most THOTs are created when men abdicate their role as fathers.
How to conduct a chaste courtship
It's not easy to have a chaste courtship, especially when you may have been promiscuous in the past. In a future post we will examine how formerly promiscuous people can change their behaviour and overcome the damage from porior bad decisions.
This is not an exhaustive list. I'll come back and add more here as I discover new strategies.
1) Make a commitment to having a chaste courtship
The first step to accomplishing anything is to resolve to do it. You will need to both agree that you will conduct yourselves in a way that ensures a chaste courtship.
2) Have humility
Recognize that you are a mere mortal with the weaknesses that we all have. Your self control is limited and can be exhausted. You can't expect to continue to put yourself into tempting situations and still stick to your resolve to conduct a chaste courtship.
3) Stop tempting yourself
Nobody jumps directly to sex. There is always the chain of seduction that builds up excitement and desire until all control is lost. With married couples, that's a great thing. It's been driving reproduction and improving marital happiness for millennia. For unmarried couples, it’s a trap.
Don't start the chain reaction. Limit physical contact to a level that you can control. If you are slipping towards a step farther than you have agreed on, then you need to reevaluate your boundaries. Perhaps you are getting too physically intimate and starting something you don't want to finish just now.
Dont be alone in a place where you could have sex. Don't be embarrassed to use a responsible, adult chaperone (or a married couple).
Avoid porn and other sexually stimulating material that creates within your mind a pattern that promotes easy and carefree casual sex.
4) Be decisive
Don't date for an excessively long time. The longer you date, the harder it will be to remain chaste. If you like someone enough to spend years dating them and you are sufficiently attracted to them to want to have sex with them, why are you not already married??? What are you waiting for?
5) Set up external control measures
Use adult chaperones if possible. It can be done in a fun way that doesn't block important intimate talk and association with your future mate. Use your imagination to find ways to have a chaperone.
Avoid associating with people who weaken your resolve to have a chaste courtship. Instead, cultivate relationships with people who hold your values and will hold you to those values.
Be open about your goals. Enlist your friends and family to help you to buttress your self control with positive peer pressure. Telling other people resolutely that you wish to take a certain course of action socially commits you to succeed or face embarrassment and shame.
Speaking of shame. Today many people will tell you that shame is old fashioned, outdated and ineffective. They do this because they fear the power of shame. They recognize that if shame was once again popular that they would have to change certain behaviour or risk being shamed. Ignore them. Use healthy shame to your advantage.
On the other hand, never let someone shame you for speaking truth, for doing the right thing, or for standing up for yourself and your beliefs.
Having a chaste courtship is up to you. Deciding how long to wait before getting intimate is up to you. The potential upside of waiting until marriage is greater than most people imagine and the “risks” are mostly fake news.
“Do yours the right way. If you’re young and wondering whether you should wait, whether you should just give in, become a live-in harlot/mimbo and do it the world’s way. If you’re wondering whether all of the mocking, the ridicule, the incredible difficulty of saving yourself for your spouse is worth it, let me tell you without a doubt that it is. Your wedding can be the most memorable day and night of your life… or just another party.”
I wish you all the greatest happiness and success in your romantic relationships.