How to become a more K-selected man
Would you like to marry a quality K-selected women who will love you loyally for the rest of your life? Would you like to raise strong, well adjusted K-selected children? Would you like to be surrounded by a tribe of friends and family that you can trust? Are you concerned about the decay of western civilization into an r-selected, chaotic mess?
Since posting “r/K Selection Matrix and the Alpha vs Beta Male” and a video entitled “Advice for Women. Do Not Date r-selected Men!” Many people have been asking “how can I become (more) K-selected?” That is a very good question and I'll try to give a very simple answer in this post. Look for future posts with even more specific suggestions.
Understanding r/K selection theory
The very first step is to take in knowledge about r/K selection theory from a variety of sources. Read the post mentioned at the start and watch the video. They will link you to other sources of information. Search for answers both online and offline. A good base of foundational knowledge will help you to understand all the following steps.
An important point to remember is that r/K selection is all about reproduction. It's all about choosing a method for procreation and the raising of children. Yes, that does have political, social and even religious repercussions however those are side effects. The core issue is what's best for our (future) children.
This means we have to change our perspective from short term to long term. It means we have to learn to better postpone gratification and work towards goals in the future. It also means that we have to learn to appreciate voluntarily working for the good others who are allied with us. Creating value for someone else that does not directly result in a reward for ourselves is one of the hallmarks of long term mutually beneficial relationships.
Take stock of who you are and how you behave
Next, you need to know what you are working with. You need to do a structured self-inventory of your behaviour and attitudes. What do you do habitually and why? Unfortunately, I know of no such existing test that can accurately assess our r/K selection preferences. Since one of the main objectives of SMV4K.com is to gather relationship knowledge we made our own. Below you can find a link to an early model that we hope to evolve with community support. If you do nothing else today, download that Inventory and fill it out. That puts you one step closer to your goals.
Many people find it very challenging to accurately assess themselves. Having a structured document really helps. As mentioned this is an evolving document so feel free to check it out occasionally as we add new questions or adjust the structure. Do your best to answer the questions accurately.
Store the filled out document in a folder for later. It's your baseline. In the future you can compare your results to track your progress.
The origins of r-Selection
Humans are a very K-selected species. Still, within our species we have a spectrum of behaviours, some more K-selected than others.
Being K-selected requires certain skills that normally develop in childhood. We need to have good coping skills, the ability to defer gratification and the love of our parents to promote in-group preference and a healthy self image. Childhood trauma can interfere with all of these developments. It's beyond the scope of this post to go into the details on the cause of r-selected behaviour. If you are suffering from unprocessed childhood trauma go get professional therapeutic help. Often, such help combined with self-knowledge is the first step to changing your life.
Evaluate your friends and family
Typically, r-selected people spend most of their time with other r-selected people. The people we choose to spend time with reinforce a specific set of attitudes, beliefs and behaviours. If your associates are r-selected it will tend to strengthen your r-selected tendencies.
Persons raised in r-selected environments tend to act in r-selected ways when they grow up. If you still spend time with your r-selected family, or if they are promoting an r-selected lifestyle it will hold you back from making the transition to K-selection.
To be clear. Toxic associations damage you and prevent the development of good habits.
Change your environment
Stop tempting yourself to engage in r-selected behaviours. Humans are both influenced by and in turn influence our environment. Stop going to places where r-selected behaviour is promoted or celebrated. Stop associating with r-selected people. That's probably the only hard part of becoming more K-selected. For example:
- If you have addiction issues, stop going to places that feed your addiction (bars, night clubs, strip clubs, casinos, addicted friends houses, etc).
- If you are picking up strangers for sex on Tinder you need to delete your account and the app.
- If you can't stop spending money on your credit card, give them back to your bank.
- If you are trying to lose weight and get in shape stop spending time around fat, weak people who encourage unhealthy lifestyles.
Make small, easy changes over time
Transitioning from r-selected to K-selected is not something you need to do over night. Make small, easy, daily changes over time. You don't have to be perfect. Little changes will add up. Eventually you will start to notice differences in your attitudes and behaviours.
Start with the smallest, easiest thing and work your way up as you gain confidence and develop a more K-selected attitude. Every success will reinforce your determination to make self improvement.
Join K-selected groups, start making K-selected friends
This is going to be challenging at first. Be open and honest. K-selected people highly value honesty and will reject you if they believe you are “infiltrating” their groups. Let them know you are working to change some r-selected traits. Ask for help, Ks tend to be empathetic and helpful.
Start by leaving your r-selected social media groups and joining K-selected groups. Use your best judgement to decide what that means for you.
Change your attitude by changing your behaviour
Using your previous assessment (r/K Personality and Attitudes Inventory) pick a trait you want to change. We will be releasing new exercises occasionally.
Clean your room
Set a timer for 25 minutes half an hour before you go to bed. Take a good look at a room in your house. What can you do in 25 minutes to make that room look better? Do it. Finish up the very moment the timer goes and pat yourself on the back.
Get up earlier
Do you get up at the very latest possible moment? Set your alarm clock half an hour earlier. Have some breakfast and do some light reading. If you feel like it, do some writing. Clean up some more, or work on a small side project. Perhaps you could even exercise or meditate.
Do a small, controlled experiment
Pick one thing you would like to fix, improve or generally don’t like about your life right now. Set a timer for 25 minutes. Brainstorm some ideas that could improve the issue you selected. Shortly before the timer goes off, write down your experiment on a post-it. A good example of an experiment could be: “To improve the cleanliness of my kitchen, I am going to clean up every evening for 25 minutes.” Stick the post to a surface you pass regularly, such as your front-door or computer screen.
Every day you give the experiment an honest chance you put a little dot or check on it. Every day you don’t, you put a little cross on it. After two weeks, for a sum total of 14 checks and crosses, you ask yourself if the experiment was a success. If it was not discard it and move on. If it was, great! Keep it.
Do another small, controlled experiment. But keep it at one or two at a time, to maintain a steady upwards spiral.
You are in control of your life. You can become the person that you want to be. Have patience with yourself, work at it a little at a time. Join SMV4K.com for more hints, tips and exercises to help you become more K-selected.