How to Talk To Women
If you want to get better at talking to women, then read this post.
If you want to develop a romantic relationship you need to get good at talking to women. But remember:
You shouldn't talk to women the same way that you talk to men.
You shouldn't talk to a woman you have just met the same way you would talk to a woman that you know very well.
You shouldn't talk to a woman you are attracted to the same way you talk to other women.
(Note: This advice is useful when talking to women who are mentally sound, relatively stable and with good intentions. You need another set of advice when talking to toxic women.)
Women are often described as intense, passionate and exciting. How men perceive this emotional energy can range from very attractive to downright terrifying. It's easy to believe that it's a show for us, however female emotions are more about their ability to deal with children.
Everything about a woman is designed to maximize her ability to be a good mother. An important component of that is her ability to pick up and react to the subtle mood changes, discomforts and feelings of non-verbal infants.
Because of this, she will instinctually reflect and amplify emotions, which carries over to all of her relationships. That can be a wonderful thing for you when it functions in the right way. In a stable marriage having your wife reflect and amplify your passion and love for her is fantastic. It can also turn into pure chaos if you don't understand how to talk to women.
Female Emotional Feedback Loop
Women conversing in groups are often highly emotional (and potentially destructive) with each other as their reflect and amplify strategy spirals out of control. This can even happen when they are allied. Women who are forced into working together can end up redirecting the groups built up emotions onto unsuspecting targets of opportunity. Don't approach a group of overly emotional women unless you want a fight.
When a man tries to match a womans level of emotions it can spiral out of control as she reflects and amplifies whatever he does. What starts off as a perfectly simple conversation about a neutral subject can turn into a competition of “feelings” if you don't know how to lead the tempo and emotional energy of the interaction.
(Or it can go the other way. “Suddenly” she's all over you and losing control. She's just reflecting and amplifying your sexual energy, confidence and attention. That's great in a marriage but dangerously confusing when you are trying to learn whether you are even compatible.)
In addition, because women are on average more neurotic than men, they will be more prone to reflect and amplify perceived negative emotions.
If we show even a small amount of weakness, nervousness, anxiety, discomfort, or instability around women we will get back a possibly overwhelming amount of that same emotion. It can be very disconcerting to a man who approaches conversations with women just as openly and plainly as if he was speaking to another man.
Every conversation you have with a woman is predicated on the sum of all previous conversations. You might have cooled off since the last time you spoke, but she probably didn't. She will likely want to pick up where the last conversation left off.
If you did well and built up trust and established an assertive reputation over previous conversations then you can occasionally break some of the rules of conversation and actually benefit from it. Breaking the rules early on in the relationship can doom it.
Female emotions are usually very intense and can be an uncomfortable roller coaster ride for both men and women. We can do a lot to help stabilize the women that we choose to interact with. Leading takes a balance of firmness, gentleness and empathy.
In a conversation where we are at a 5/10 level of positive emotions, our female conversation partner will mirror and reflect back to us a 7/10 up to a 10/10. Remember that the feedback will be more intense for negative emotions.
Here is the key. Don't try to match her. Dont mirror her emotional state. Consciously decide what emotions are appropriate for the conversation and at what level. Start off at a low level of intensity (2/10) and adjust higher until you get the response you want. Often you will be at a 2/10 or a 3/10 so that she stays around a 5/10 intensity level.
If you allow the conversation to get too intense too quickly it can burn out before you develop any connection. Slow down a bit.
Learn to expect that she will amplify whatever you do or say and keep your cool about it. If she says “I love you” 3 times, return it to her only twice. If she is excited or anxious about something, calmly acknowledge her feelings, let her know you are there for her and then let the anxiety dissipate. Don't add fire to her fears.
Conversation is like dancing, you take the lead and a good woman will follow. If it goes in a direction you dont like, reign it in by deescalating your emotions and then changing the subject to something else that you can distract her with. Sometimes it's as easy as pointing at a nearby baby and saying “oh, that baby is so cute.” (Also works if you point at a cute animal.)
Avoid displaying so called “negative” emotions. Deep down inside you might be nervous or anxious or scared, but you must project confidence and assertiveness. Stuff those negative emotions deep down inside you and deal with them later. She will reflect your confidence back to you which will build you up and facilitate further displays of self assurance.
Fake it until you make it. You don't have to feel confident to act confident. You just need to get control of your body and your voice. Stand erect, shoulders back, breath deeply and slowly. It's easier if you are fit. Adjust your stance depending on her reaction (see the video).
Go to a mirror and practice a relaxed and confident face. Make sure to know what that actually is. Practice non-threatening eye contact. Ask a female friend to judge your expressions.
Speak from your balls. Speak with a measured, calming, deep and masculine voice that comes from deep down in your soul.
This is something that you can train if you don't mind acting like an insane man.
What not to do
Never show passivity or weakness to a woman. Women are genetically programed to care for helpless, passive infants and will respond to your perceived weakness by infantilizing you. You then become asexual to her. She will see you as a weak, helpless infant. This is what friendzoning is really all about, women infantilizing weak, passive and sexually unappealing men.
Don't accept mothering from women you want a romantic relationship with. Deal with your fears, nerves and emotional challenges etc. with the support of other mature men or with a professional therapist or coach.
Don't talk about how horrible the world is. Focus on positive things and the potential for greatness in the future. You are not going to get a woman interested in having kids with you if you shove a bottle of black pills down her throat first.
Don't talk about esoteric and abstract things with her unless she seems interested in it. Politics, philosophy, science, religion and most male pursuits are generally very boring to women (Never be boring). Instead ask her about her feelings, the people in her life and her aspirations for the future. This will tell you all you need to know about a woman.
Don't adopt a female communication strategy. If both of you are escalating emotions it's going to be total chaos. Someone needs to put the brakes on and it should be the man as we are generally the more emotionally stable one in the relationship.
Dont complain to women. Instead set boundaries and rules for interaction. The naturally more neurotic female mind loves the security of clear boundaries. She craves patriarchal structure and will unintentionally act out until she gets it. That's how we get shit tests.
Don't let the women lead the conversation. If she insists on fighting for leadership, walk away from the conversation, tell her you have something more interesting to do and try again another day. This means that you propose the time, duration, location and subject matter for the conversation. Cut it short before either of you get bored or tired of the conversation.
Don't talk about your problems and challenges until you have them under control. She is not your therapist.
If you want a romantic relationship with her, don't become her therapist/coach or her substitute daddy. Listen, but set boundaries. You are not going to fix her, it's not your responsibility. Be willing to interrupt her if she starts going into dysfunctional territory. (Or let her go and see how messed up she really is. It's up to you, but that might end any romantic possibilities.) You are better off to help her get professional help than trying to help her directly.
Don't try to impress her or overwhelm her with information about you or you may get into a One Upper loop. Just be the best version of yourself and let her discover you.
Hints to help you approach women
Women become VERY vulnerable to their man when they marry and have children with him. Because of this they have several defence mechanisms to discourage low value suitors.
Any woman worth dating will offer some resistance to your first romantic approaches. You don't want an easy woman that instantly melts over every guy that gives her some attention. Expect her to make you fight for her by demonstrating your value.
Be prepared for the hunt to be challenging. Women challenge men to weed out the low quality suitors, the submissive and weak. Pass the challenges and you may get the reward.
Be prepared for a no, even a hard no. Ignore what women say, pay attention to what they do. If her lips say no and her body posture and actions say yes she is inviting you to keep trying.
Keep trying, but if your first approach failed, don't just repeat the same thing over and over again. Try another topic, another approach, another method.
Don't be afraid of a little silence, you don't need to fill every second with sounds. Give her time to size you up and respond. Too much verbal pressure too early can break the opportunity.
Be prepared for early shit tests and learn how to crush them. Don't let her control you or your actions or your mood. She's looking for strength and virtue, show it to her.
Be prepared for potential humiliation and learn how to artfully turn that into success. A man who backs down when he is humiliated has a fragile ego and will not be a strong provider and protector.
Women tend to focus on how you make them feel. The feelings that you want them to have about you are excitement and curiosity balanced with a sense of security and safety. Sweep her off her feet by throwing her off balance (excitement) and then catching her (security).
Stay in frame, keep your cool and provoke some small emotional responses in her. The first person in a conversation to have an emotional response is the submissive one, that better be her or she will see you as low SMV.
Get practice speaking to women wherever you find them. Do it the right way. Do it the wrong way. Try out different strategies (within the rules above). Try no strategy. Just keep trying different things until something you do starts working.
Analyze your conversations with your coach or wolf pack. Improve incrementally and you will get really good at speaking with women.